The Holy Snail
by x-the-phantom-writer-x
Summary: A short story I wrote for school several months ago about two brothers sent on the ultimate quest!


**This Story is somewhat similar to Monty Python and the Holy Grail.**

**It's mostly just a paper I wrote for school a long time ago, and figured I would share it with the world.**

**Be nice, don't plagiarize my characters.**

**The Old Woman…**

James Jones: So, why are we here?

Jonathan Jones: Yeah, and why are we brothers?

James: Well, maybe we should go try to find out.

Jonathan: But, where would we go?

James: I know! We could go to the Old Woman in the village!

Jonathan: What village?

James: Ya know the one village… With the Old Woman… She gives prophecies… and she has a big mole on her thigh…

Jonathan: How would you know if she has a mole on her thigh?!

James: Hey, listen, it was late, and I was drunk and tired.

Jonathan: Ewwww!

James: Shaddup, let's get going.

Jonathan and James jump on the horses, which for reasons unknown; suddenly appear before their very eyes.

James: So, Jonathan, how is it, that even though we've only been around for about 10 minutes, we have a detailed past?

Jonathan: I'm not sure, but maybe if we ask the Old Woman with the mole on her thigh, we could find out!

James: No, I think it's because someone is writing our life for us. It's like… It's like he's sitting at a desk writing down what he thinks we should do…

Jonathan: I think you're stoned.

James: I'm what?

Jonathan: I'm not sure; I just had the sudden urge to say that…

James: Weird… Anyways, we're almost to her house.

James and Jonathan arrive at the Old Woman's back door. James pulls out a key from his back pocket and opens up the door.

Jonathan: Why, in the name of donuts, do you have a key to her house?!

James: I. Don't. Want. To. Talk. About. IT!!!!

Jonathan: I'm going to be having nightmares for years to come.

Old Woman: Halt! Who goes there!

James: It's me, Honey Bunch!

Old Woman: Oh Darling!

Jonathan's mouth drops open in surprise, for he was expecting… Well, an Old Woman! What he saw there, was actually a young, busty, beautiful brunette!

Jonathan: I… I… You're not… I thought…

James: You thought she was old!? No, her name is Old Woman. In actuality she's 23, a college student and trying to get her PHD in Psychology!

Jonathan: Does she have a sister?

James: Shut up, this isn't a romance, this is an action story!

Jonathan? Say what!?

James: I don't know, I just had the urge to say that! I was actually thinking about Old Woman's Br…

Jonathan: cuts him off I don't want to know what you're thinking about!

Old Woman: So, Darling, what do you want?

James: Well, we aren't sure why we're here. I was hoping you could tell me our purpose, and why we have these sudden urges to say random words!

Jonathan: And why I keep fantasizing you and me, together in…

James: Hey, we have to keep this at least a PG!

Jonathan: See what I mean! We keep on saying things that don't make any sense!

James: We also want to know why the story is set in the 1800's, yet we're talking as though we're in the 21'st century!

Old Woman: Well, you see, the guy writing this story is really bored, and he hopes that, by writing this funny story, he could get a good grade on his report card.

James and Jonathan: in unison What?

Flying Monkey Teacher: And we have here children, a classic scene of two young men, a beautiful young girl, all confused about their purpose in life, and one lonely teenager writing a comedy.

Flying Monkey #1: Ooooooooooo

Flying Monkey #2: Teacher! I have to go potty!

James: What do Flying Monkeys have to do with our story?!!?!?

Flying Monkey: Oh, we just wander from story to story, making observations about their social habits…

Jonathan shoots monkey

James and Old Woman: Thank you!

**The Narrator's Quest!**

Narrator: Ok, this is really boring; I think I'm going to have them leave now.

Jonathan: So, we have to do WHAT!?!?!

James: We have to… have to… WE HAVE TO WATCH A MEG RYAN MOVIE!!!

Jonathan: No, please, anything but that… Think of the children!

Narrator: This is worse than before…

James: I know! How about, me and Jonathan go and have to find the Holy Grail!

Jonathan: I like that idea!

Narrator: No, that's stupid. Why don't you guys go find the Holy Grail!

James: I thought that…

Narrator: Shut up! This is my story! And I come up with all of the ideas!

Jonathan: Are you going to give us anything to help us? Like guns, or horses or anything…

Narrator: Here, take this Talking Fish, the batteries are dead, and it's missing a scale, but it will serve you well, young Hobbits.

James: Are we going to have to toss it into Mt. Doom?

Narrator: If you don't shut up you will!

Jonathan: Maybe, instead of the Holy Grail, we have to find the Holy Snail!

Narrator: If you don't stop coming up with ideas, I'll flick you across the room…

James: Yeah! And we would have to go to the Valley Of The Shadow Of Death, and we will fear no evil, for thou art

Narrator: Now don't start shoving religion down my throat!

James: But I was just quoting the…

Narrator: Shut up! flicks them both across the room

Old Woman: Hey! Don't flick my lover across the room!

Narrator: kicks her out the window and into the black bleakness of the Pit Of Despair

James: No! My love!

James: jumps in after her

Jonathan: Great, so now it's just me and this Talking Fish. I think I'll name him… King Paul!

King Paul: Why do I always get the stupid names?!

Jonathan: Because, I own you, and you will do as I say!

Narrator: If you three don't get going, I'll cook the fish for dinner and make you wash my feet! Now, go find the Holy Snail!

**Jonathan Jones And The Quest For The Holy Snail!**

Jonathan: So, King Paul, what was it like singing for the Narrator day in and day out?

King Paul: I swear to the Narrator, if you EVER talk to me again, I'll smack you with my tail fin!

Gay Talking Horse: So, I was talking to Luis the other day and, like, OH MY GOD, he is soooooo cute! And then I realized, oh my god, I wasn't wearing my new hoofs, so I was like, soooooo embarrassed!

Jonathan: What? Since when can the Gay Horse talk!!?

Narrator: Since I said he could!

Jonathan: Well, does he HAVE to be gay!? I think he likes King Paul…

GTH: Soooooo, King Paul, are you seeing anyone right now?

Jonathan: Please, this is really disturbing!

Narrator: Fine!

Narrator: kills horse

Animal Protestors: YOU KILLED A HORSE!!! We're going to sue!!!! You mean, cruel Animal Hater!

Narrator: flicks the protestors flying half way across the world and to their doom in the Pit Of Stupid People

Jonathan: Wait… How are we supposed to go anywhere if we don't have a horse!?

Narrator: See those things under your waist?

Jonathan: Yeah…

Narrator: Those are called "legs". You can walk with them.

Jonathan: Cool! Thanks!

Jonathan and King Paul walk for 64 days before they realize that they don't have any food or water; so they died.

**The End.**

Narrator: I suppose you're wondering "Wait, they can't be dead; they didn't find the Holy Snail!" Well, you're right. They are dead, but you forgot to notice something, King Paul is a fish, so he can't walk. Therefore, he didn't die.

King Paul: Great, Jonathan's dead, and I'm here alone…

Man: Hey cool! A talking fish!

The Man picks up King Paul, only King Paul smacked him in the face until he was dead.

King Paul: Great, so I was almost fishnapped…

James: King Paul! It is I, James, I'm alive and back from the crusades!

King Paul: What crusades? You fell into a pit looking for your love!

James: Well, I'm not dead! I found my love, and we're both alive and well. Well, not Old Woman, she somehow became 72 in the time span of an hour… But other than that, we're okay!

Old Woman: Darling… would you… hand me my pills?

James: Get them yourself you old twit!

King Paul: Well, what are we going to do now? Jonathan is dead, and we don't know where the Holy Snail is!

James: Don't worry! We found a dead horse and brought him back to life! Now we don't have to walk.

Gay Talking Horse: Like, OH MY GOD!!! King Paul! I soooooo thought you were dead!

King Paul: Help…. Me…

**The Dead Shall Stay Dead, Unless They Are Dead**

Jonathan: Yeah, so I'm dead, but my ghost is still alive, so I'm still in the story, and I…

Narrator: DIE EVIL SPAWN OF SATAN!!!!!!

Narrator: Kills Jonathan's ghost

James: So, let me get this straight: You killed Jonathan with one of your scales?

King Paul: That's right.

James: Eww

**The Holy Snail and Adam And Steve**

So, King Paul, Gay Talking Horse and James went into the Dessert of Nevershallyoumakeitoutalive, they left Old Woman to be eaten by jackals, and found a cave with a Young Man in it.

Young Man: In order to find the Holy Snail, you must go into the Forrest of Grassisgreenerontheotherside and find the biggest tree in it and…

GTH: You are soooooo cute, Young Man!

King Paul: This is the stupidest quest I've ever been on…

Young Man: EXCUSE ME! But I'm only in this book for like 5 minutes, is it too much to ask for some attention?!

King Paul: Yes.

Young Man: Oh, well…

Narrator: Oops, you aren't supposed to be in this story. Kills Young Man

Narrator: Anyways, just go into the Forrest Grassisgreenerontheotherside, find the biggest tree you can, make King Paul cut it down, and there's the snail!

So our party of heroes travels through the dessert, but they ran out of food partway through, so they were forced to eat the Gay Talking Horse, and there was much partying and laughing that night.

When they were at the edge of the Forrest, they saw two men coming towards them; they were naked, except for some fig leaves.

James: Who are you guys?

Adam: I'm Adam.

Steve: and I'm Steve, we got kicked out of the forest for eating an apple.

King Paul: You're not Adam and Eve are you?!

Adam: No, we're Adam and Steve, we're husband and husband.

James: Eww

Narrator: WTF?!?!? How do all these people keep on getting into the wrong story?!

Narrator: Kills the gay men.

James and King Paul go into the forest. After much searching and debating weather or not they should plan a mutiny against the Narrator, they find the tree.

King Paul: cuts down tree.

The tree lands on James, and he is killed once and for all.

King Paul manages to bring the Holy Snail to the Narrator.

Narrator: Thank you King Paul, now I have one more request for you.

King Paul: What's that my lord?

Narrator: Jump into that frying pan there.

King Paul jumps into the pan and is fried for the Narrator's supper.

And they all lived happily ever after, except for King Paul, James, Jonathan, Old Woman, Young Man, Adam and Steve and Gay Talking Horse.

**The End; For Now Anyways…**


End file.
